It really can happen to anyone

"Just Jeepin'" (macintux)
08/15/2019 at 15:25 • Filed to: None

Update : facw supplied a better article. If you’re in need of a good gut punch or five, this is the piece to read.

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I used to wonder how a parent could leave a kid in the car, but as I got older I realized just how powerful habits really are. This is an interesting look at why it happens.

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If you’re going to comment on this that parents deserve no sympathy and anyone who does this is an idiot, save your breath.

DISCUSSION (65)

For Sweden > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 13:20

Put a Tile Bluetooth tracker on your kid. Have it create a notification whenever the kid is out of B luetooth range.

We can fix the flaws of human psychology . We have the technology.

Cash Rewards > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 13:29

I do think the parents deserve sympathy, and I do not think they are idiots. I do, however, think they are at fault and should be punished as the law allows. It’s a tough job, but they are your responsibility. Their lives depend on it.

i86hotdogs > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 13:43

Can’t forget a child in a ca r seat if your van has no seats.

Ash78, voting early and often > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 13:43

I get how this can happen, but I also see about 85% of parents seem to treat their kids as “accessories” or just “independent, fully functioning humans” (which gets applauded by many, even though it’s pretty dumb below age 8-10).

I don’t advocate for helicopter parenting, I’m just saying I see a lot of negligence in daily life as parents seek their “me time” on their phones, with a beer, whatever. It doesn’t surprise me that a lot of people don’t have their kids at the top of their mind all the time.

That is why good parenting is hard as hell, life changing . Just basic parenting? Barely harder than owning a dog.

Chariotoflove > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 13:50

I can’t read this article. I think of my daughter in her car seat in back of my car all those hot summers, and the idea panics me. I can’t think about losing her.

RiceRocketeer Extraordinaire > For Sweden
08/15/2019 at 13:51

or train the kid to scream “F*** YOU DAD I KNOW YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE ” whenever you’re almost out of range

For Sweden > RiceRocketeer Extraordinaire
08/15/2019 at 13:52

This, but the kid says “You’re not my dad I want to go home!”

facw > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 14:14

As always on these things, Washington Post humor columnist Gene Weingarten’s Pulitzer winning piece is worth a read (note: nothing funny here): Fatal Distraction

facw > For Sweden
08/15/2019 at 14:16

I think it’s al most certain that within five years or so we will have mandated alarms for occupied back seats in new cars to help with this. Possibly even more advanced measures like automatically placing an emergency call or turning on the AC depending on how good the detection is.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > For Sweden
08/15/2019 at 14:26

Where do you... where do you put the tracker. My Tile is like the size of a Wheat Thin.

Rainbow > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 14:32

I’ve read about this before and I always get jumped on by overemotional boomers whenever I mention it on Facebook articles. I’ve experienced similar (though far less tragic) forgetfulness myself, with leftovers from a restaurant spending the night in my back seat. We're creatures of routine and habit; if you do something every day, you're likely to screw up when one of the factors changes.

Rainbow > facw
08/15/2019 at 14:34

That last part could be a problem in roadside emergencies. Unless it’s the freeway, in which case I’d tell the kids to get out and wait by the trees away from the road , they’re going to stay put while I change my tire or whatever.

Cash Rewards > RiceRocketeer Extraordinaire
08/15/2019 at 14:37

In all seriousness, the problem is when the kid falls asleep in the car. Particularly for infants.

Rainbow > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 14:37

Also, this is why you should get an AW11 MR2. No airbags, so a car seat can sit up front, and no back seats at all so you have no choice. Perfect parental vehicle!

Cash Rewards > Ash78, voting early and often
08/15/2019 at 14:39

Don't know if I agree with the 85% number (or at least I desperately hope that it's better than that), but your last paragraph is the absolute truth.

Ash78, voting early and often > Cash Rewards
08/15/2019 at 14:48

I could tone that down, but I would say that 85% of parents are actively looking for ways to get away from their kids at any given time -- I’m guilty about half the time . It’s especially clear when you or your spouse are a stay-at-home parent and you realize that a lot of your peers aren’t going to work because they enjoy it, or even because they truly need the money (vs paying daycare fees). It’s an escape.

GoodIdeaAtTheTime > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 14:54

I always put something in the back seat of my cars. Whe ther it is my purse, or the keys I will need for the day, or my lunch, or my.work uniform. And you know what, sometimes I forget they are back there. And have to wall 1/4 mile to the lot and collect them And that is what I need on a daily basis. The brain is weird like that. If I do something to throw off my routine, like put something in the trunk or hatch, well then it gets even worse.

Anywho , I have mixed emotions on this epidemic, but I am not qualified to voice my opinion as I do not have kids.

Or maybe it is all the new cars having tinted windows. You can kinda sorta see the seat, but not the munchkin strapped in and sleeping..

Just Jeepin' > facw
08/15/2019 at 15:19

That’s hard to read. The audio tapes of Lyn’s trauma must be awful to actually hear.

Funktheduck > Rainbow
08/15/2019 at 15:35

I almost left a friends dog at the dog park once. Leashes up my dogs and started to walk out and thought something didn’t seem right. Turned around and his dog was off playing with another. So easy to get into a routine.

shop-teacher > facw
08/15/2019 at 15:37

I read that article not long after I had my first kid. Took me days to finish it, because I kept breaking down crying. Gut wrenching stuff.

functionoverfashion > Rainbow
08/15/2019 at 15:40

The closest I’ve come to this is one day when I got home and realized that, while my son had been with my parents and they were at home to meet me, my daughter was still at daycare and I needed to pick her up. I got all the way home before realizing it. I had plenty of time to get there before they closed, and I was back home with her within 30 minutes, not an issue at all. But it gave me a moment of sheer panic, all the same. It was in the winter when I was coaching, which I only do for a few months, and the beginning of the season is a huge mental tax, trying to memorize my new kids and get things organized for the season.

On days when I don’t pick up my kids, I get very anxious around that time of day. If someone else is doing it, I always call or text them within a few hours of the time they’re supposed to make the pickup. Even right now as I’m sitting here, I have a strong urge to be somewhere else because my usual pickup time is 3:30 and it’s 3:39.

WilliamsSW > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 15:40

I drop off my daughter 5 days a week.

Honest to god, at least 3 of those days I get halfway to work and look in the backseat to confirm that she’s not there.

I’m not really a forgetful ( or OCD) person, but all it takes is 1 time...

Alfalfa > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 15:42

This is so important. Not just to avoid shaming people who already feel terrible, but because knowing possible pitfalls is good to help you avoid them. If you don’t think it can happen to you, you're more likely to get complacent and let it happen. That applies to pretty much everything.

Just Jeepin' > WilliamsSW
08/15/2019 at 15:43

Yeah, that’s one of many awful aspects. Just one time your vigilance fails and suddenly your life is changed irrevocably.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 15:51

Anything done regularly or by routine could use a sanity check. Kids are no exception, and I make the habit of double checking for things all the time, learning habits that help me keep those double checking routines, and if in any doubt at all, double back and check.

Some things I don’t want to take on assumption that I did a good job. I want to be nagged somewhat about things important to me.

MrDakka > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 15:51

People need to practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Just Jeepin' > Cash Rewards
08/15/2019 at 15:54

Read the WaPo article and see if you still feel the same way.

The justice system shouldn’t be used to punish people who are going to be punishing themselves (and ostracized by society) for a very human, very unintentional, gut-wrenching lapse.

user314 > For Sweden
08/15/2019 at 15:56

Hell, just start LoJacking the rugrats at birth.

Nothing > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 16:07

Bear with me, it’s unrelated to the root of your post, but related in my personal emotional state.

I just read the WaPo article. When my twins were three months old, my wife went to get a haircut. During her haircut, I had to call her and tell her our daughter was on the way to the hospital, she had stopped breathing. I was able to perform CPR and get her breathing before the paramedics took her. Our daughter eventually died that weekend. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my daughter, and also don’t think of my wife going to get a haircut, leaving the house with two babies in my care and only returning to one.

Oppenheimer - not missing my shitboxes anymore > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 16:09

I usually put my bag on the backseat, that forces me to check the back seat before locking the car...

Just Jeepin' > Nothing
08/15/2019 at 16:11

I am so very sorry to hear that. I can’t begin to imagine how hard that has been for both of you.

Just Jeepin' > MrDakka
08/15/2019 at 16:12

And still that isn’t enough.

Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness > Rainbow
08/15/2019 at 16:16

I would hope your kids are treasured more than “leftovers”.

Nothing > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 16:21

Thank you. It took years to get over checking under my son’s nose to make sure he was still breathing while he was sleeping.

LongbowMkII > Nothing
08/15/2019 at 16:30

I couldn’t imagine that nightmare. All my sympathies.

Cash Rewards > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 16:37

I have read the article, and got two kids in car seats myself. I can't imagine how I’d feel. But if my actions caused my child's death, I'd turn myself in for a jail sentence.

Cash Rewards > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 16:47

And while I understand what you are saying about the justice system, I just don't think it's an option in reality. How bad to you have to feel before you don't have to go to jail? What if I texting and driving and hit a pedestrian? I feel real bad, it was unintentional, I'm ostracized from society. No, go to jail. Same thing.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 16:54

The force of habit also leads to cyclists crashing their roof-mounted bikes into garages.

Kinja'd!!!

Or leaving objects on top of cars (I stopped a group of guys in an Explorer when I spotted a shotgun someone had left on the roof rack).

Kinja'd!!!

Or pilots leaving the gas cap off (funnily enough, that was photoshopped off the online version of the article).

Kinja'd!!!

MrDakka > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 16:58

The flaws of a purely biological substrate.

Just Jeepin' > Cash Rewards
08/15/2019 at 17:10

Texting while driving is an active choice to place your convenience above others’ safety. We want to deter that behavior so we punish.

What intent are we deterring here ? We’re making the surviving family members lose yet another person and we’re not preventing others from making the same poor choice because fundamentally it’s not a choice but a human failing that can happen to anyone.

WilliamsSW > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 17:21

That’s what freaks me out. One mistake can end a life before it begins.

For those that do this unintentionally, my heart goes out to them. There is nothing that could make you feel worse- ever - than to accidentally kill your own offspring.

Cash Rewards > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 17:21

Ok, texting was a bad example. But it could be an innocent distraction as well, a kid yelling in the back seat, for example.

And I actually do agree, I would care infinitely more about the loss of a child than I would about the jail sentence. Its not a deterrent in that sense . But unfortunately it isn’t always innocent. Kids are neglected, parents make poor decisions. Is the sentence mandatory? Judges discretion? I’m not sure how I’d feel about that. But no, those instances arent the point of the WaPo article.

WilliamsSW > Nothing
08/15/2019 at 17:25

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Just Jeepin' > Cash Rewards
08/15/2019 at 17:35

I think it’s fine that the prosecutor makes the decision whether to pursue an indictment . I just hope it’s informed by intent and evidence of carelessness instead of someone who can’t sympathize with the victims (or worse wants to score political points).

Cash Rewards > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 17:51

That I can agree with

Cash Rewards > Nothing
08/15/2019 at 17:55

Jesus, I can't even imagine. My condolences and admiration for going on

Cash Rewards > Rainbow
08/15/2019 at 17:57

My Miata has an airbag disable switch. Kids love that thing

Cash Rewards > Oppenheimer - not missing my shitboxes anymore
08/15/2019 at 17:58

This is the recommended thing to do. Or a doll that rides in the kids seat when empty, or shotgun when full. Doll up with you, get the kid

phenotyp > Nothing
08/15/2019 at 18:38

Oh my god. I’m so so sorry. I can’t even imagine.

Goldzilla > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 18:58

As a boomer...no one deserves a dead kid. Tweakers, etc. Don’t deserve it either. Lots of days loading the 1990 Cherokee I forhot, shoes on top...lunches...etc (cell phones didn’t exist then)...we are human and tired and distracted. It takes a couple (intentionality non gender specific, I’m a ok boomer) to raise kids s uccessfully. Take brea th, pat y our pockets, check the back seat. Accidents happen. ..dont be one

BigBlock440 > GoodIdeaAtTheTime
08/15/2019 at 19:28

It’s not an epidemic, it happens a handful of times a year. I can see it being more prevalent now though due to more of a prevalence of both parents working. I nstead of one being stay-at-home, kids are in the vehicles more, and the parents driving them are thinking about their destination (work) instead of an intermediary stop (daycare).

DipodomysDeserti > Nothing
08/15/2019 at 19:33

Big internet hug and cry from one dad to another.

Nothing > DipodomysDeserti
08/15/2019 at 19:35

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Nothing > LongbowMkII
08/15/2019 at 19:36

Thank you.

Nothing > WilliamsSW
08/15/2019 at 19:37

Thanks.

Nothing > phenotyp
08/15/2019 at 19:37

Thank you.

DipodomysDeserti > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 19:47

I definitely feel sympathy for the parents, and understand there’s a psychological aspect to it.

But getting your kids out of the car is the easiest thing you will ever have to do as a parent. If your so stressed or distracted that this becomes an issue, than you are being negligent.

I still have sympathy for them as I know from familial experience what losing a child can do, but I by no means think it’s some unavoidable phenomenon that just happens.

The school I teach at focuses on teaching our kids mindfulness. Mindfulness is a requirement when you’re a parent.

Just Jeepin' > DipodomysDeserti
08/15/2019 at 19:50

I’m sticking with the experts on this one.

DipodomysDeserti > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 20:03

Which experts?

The school I’m at is apart of a very large research project run by a major university dealing with the affects of mindfulness on psychological acuity and development. They’ve been studying this subject matter for well over a decade. Suffice it to say I’ve seen a lot more data and research presented on the subject than a WaPo article.

Adults can most definitely overcome the psychological affects of stress through various techniques. We’re now studying if kids can do the same.

Being a parent requires you to do this, otherwise you may kill your kid.

Just Jeepin' > DipodomysDeserti
08/15/2019 at 20:17

I’d be fine with amending it to “It can happen to anyone who doesn’t have a fair bit of mindfulness training and even then it’s still something that could happen.”

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Ash78, voting early and often
08/15/2019 at 20:58

I think this around this time of year, whenever you see those “joke” memes flooding facebock about partying now that kids are back at school.

I disagree that it is as high as 85%, but i certainly know a couple individuals who I question “wtf did you think having kids was going to entail”. And not a teeneager that got knocked up, like grown married adults.

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 21:01

For a few years, i was implementing human factors, and muscle memory, and flow states are real thing. It like moron that say they don’t need airbags or seatbelts. You aren’t perfect 100% of the time.

TorqueToYield > Just Jeepin'
08/15/2019 at 21:58

Can I just say sleep deprivation as a parent is fucked up.

Mentioned in the wapo article once, but I don’t think it’s given enough due.

Sleep deprivation fucks. you. up.

I don’t mean like, haha I didn’t sleep last night, I mean like, it’s 9 months into having a kid and I haven’t slept right in 18 months and last night I got 2 hours of sleep and I don’t know what day it is.

I’ve ended up at work without knowing how I got there or remembering what day of the week it is.

There but for the grace of god go I.

Just Jeepin' > TorqueToYield
08/15/2019 at 22:05

The lack of mandatory parental leave is just one of the many failings of the U.S. aversion to requiring employees to be treated with respect.

Longtime Lurker > Nothing
08/16/2019 at 01:43

That is the biggest fear I have with children.